Today has been weird. I had that dream about C and I think I’m maybe at that annoying hormonal time and my mood has been all over the place. I saw a picture of myself that someone took for a work thing and I genuinely felt like I still looked 40kg heavier.
I went for a beach walk with a boy (a stranger boy). It’s a long story but we were basically going on a blind meet up, set up by a mutual friend. I felt so iffy about going because of my terrible mindframe. (Second photo taken right before I left demonstrates iffy face). I just still expect everyone to think that I am so fat. (I have talked about this before. I am generally okay with my appearance but I struggle to believe other people are). It’s an odd thing, this weight loss. These kinds of irrational thoughts are exactly the ones I apply my anxiety trick to - that is, acknowledge the thought and let it pass, but don’t assign any weighting or importance to it. When you’re in a negative mindframe, it can be tricky. I answered an ask recently about feeling worse about your appearance when you’re smaller and this stuff all feeds into that. I suppose it is hard for our minds to keep up with our bodies. Sometimes I feel like I have no idea what I actually look like.
And the dream about C just made me think about it all day long. I haven’t thought about him at length for over a week now but this dream, this evil damn dream. I am not acutely sad but I just can’t seem to comprehend how everything unfolded. And I just think about how I haven’t fallen for someone before ever and the first time I do it just all goes horribly wrong. And I feel like my feelings are made to seem illegitimate because we weren’t ~serious~ and that I’m stupid for being so hung up on this and I’m just being ridiculous but even if all of that were true… it doesn’t make these feelings go away. I still daydream that maybe we would work out in the future, and I hate him for giving me hope that that may happen the last time we spoke (I imagine he was trying to spare my feelings by saying that ~timing~ was the issue but really I wish it had just been a clean break so I wouldn’t clutch at this ridiculous straw). Anyway. In general, the time I am spending thinking about him is decreasing, and that can only be a good thing. On an average day he only pops into my mind for a matter of seconds, and I am sure once this dream slips from my memories I can return to that.
After the beach walk (where surprisingly, no he did not run screaming) I went grocery shopping and brought all my favourite things plus some delicious new things to cheer me up. This includes:
- Duck confit
- Powerade zero
- Maple nut no-grainola (an epic mix of nuts and berries and things, much like a ~paleo~ cereal. I eat it with cream or coconut cream)
- Turkey thighs
- Pepperdews (little peppers stuffed with sheep and goats cheese)
I have also prepped a few meals for uni this week - see 4th pic of egg bake with spinach, bell pepper, pinenuts, goat feta, cured deli sausage, and parmesan. God eggs are just wonderful things. Their macros, their micros… all of it. Superfood man.
I watched a few videos on youtube of someone I haven’t seen before. She’s a long term keto-er (I think she said 4 years??) and is in her late 40s and looks better than I ever will ha! Anyway, she comes across as absolutely bonkers in this video but I absolutely totally remember feeling like that. Not everyone who does keto gets that euphoria, from what I’ve seen, but I had it and it was absolutely amazing. I went through a ~4 month period last year of just being so so god damn happy and stable and it was without a doubt the best time of my life. I am committed to getting that back. She talks in this video about cortisol keeping people out of ketosis and that struck a chord with me because I have been so stressed, and perhaps that really is playing into the difficulty I’m having. I have been stressed about C, I’ve been stressed about starting med school, I’ve been stressing about these niggly injuries and trying to force myself not to go to the gym, and I have been stressed about seeing no results despite my efforts (which hasn’t happened to me to this extent before). After coming to these realisations, I’ve decided to immediately work on de-stressing. I am not going to stress about results, I am just going to stick to the course. There really is no alternative for me, I have eaten this way for so long it is my default. So, results or no results, I would be doing this. With that in mind, I’m just going to stop thinking about it. I’m going to eat delicious nourishing foods that are conducive to ketosis because that’s what makes me feel good, and aesthetic results are going to be neither here nor there. I didn’t realise how my stress levels about this have been climbing. I never intended for my aims to be so aesthetic focused… I think it just threw me that I suddenly wasn’t seeing progress when I have been so use to seeing it. The concept of it not occurring just came out of the blue and became too much of a focus. But anyway, realisation has occurred and now I can address it.
Sometimes when things aren’t going amazingly or I’m struggling I daydream about the person I want to be, the person I imagine I am becoming. It always calms me down. I love knowing that I am so so so much closer to being that person now than I ever could have dreamed. I feel like if I had a blog 3 years ago and you guys read it now you would just be absolutely stunned.
So today was weird. Weird days are okay. My head is above water and it should all slowly start getting easier. Adjustment periods are always so hard for me (starting uni, moving house, relationship not working out etc) but each time I go through change I think I get a little better at it… I think.